Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death – he passed away 11 years ago. I cannot believe so much time has passed. How quickly the years have gone by. And yet, I remember the days/weeks/months when everything moved soooo slowly, time seemed to be stuck in mud and every step was a huge effort.
I am sitting here at my desk. It is almost time to go. I had planned to go to the gym after work to take a few dance classes this evening. But all I want to do is go home and get into my pajamas and curl up on my couch. It is rainy and cold out. Last night I did not sleep well at all, thanks to a bout with seasonal allergies and a pesky mosquito in my bedroom! And I have been in a cranky mood for days now (maybe even longer, if you ask around.)
Unfortunately this day will mark the loss of another loved one, an elder cousin from my mom’s side of the family. My mom was very close to him, and I was quite fond of him, too. He was a huge help to both of us when my dad was sick.
So, I am going to go home and think about my Papi and my primo Pepe and dwell in the memories of nicer and sunnier moments.
I love my cousins. I am an only child, and for me, my cousins and now their kids, are the closest thing I know to having siblings, and nieces and nephews. I know it is not the same, but I am so thankful to have them in my life, and lots of ’em! Last week, my uncle passed away. He was quite old, and one of my dad’s older brothers. My father passed away back in 2000, and having my uncles and aunts alive was a way to still have him in this world. Now, they are slowly passing away as well.
I took two of my younger cousins (they are my cousin’s daughters, so my uncle is their grandfather – they are very sad about his passing) to the beach and then dinner on Sunday night to cheer them up a bit. Then I slept over, and we spent the rest of Monday lounging around reading magazines. I have seen these girls grow up – the oldest in now 15, and S (my god-daughter) is now 12! While I was with X, I distanced myself from my family – mostly because I was so unhappy. I apologized to them after the breakup and my resurfacing. I told them that if I ever “disappear” again, it is because I am not doing too well in my life, and that it has nothing to do with them.
I now realize that is a CLEAR sign of an unhealthy relationship – if I am so miserable that I do not want to spend time with my family for fear they will notice my unhappiness, it is time to kick the guy to the curb. AND, that it is ok to let your family see that you are unhappy. Like I did with my little cousins this weekend, lots of kisses and hugs sure do the trick when you are feeling down.
The last couple of days have been pretty brutal. I feel dead inside, if you all want to know the truth. I spent most of yesterday smoking cigarettes and feeling – nothing. I think that is the problem. By smoking, I do not allow myself to feel anything, or remember anything, really. It is a distraction. Is feeling nothing one of the stages in grieving?
Speaking of distractions, that is exactly what I thought I wanted with my crush. But I realize it is just a game I am playing with myself. I do not want a rebound, or to be a rebound, or to be distracted. I want to FEEL. Because I miss X dearly, I will always love him dearly, I am still very very sad, and very very scared about my future. I am afraid of winding up all alone at an old age – never having had true, warm, healthy, fulfilling, love.
This morning, I put out my last cigarette and said goodbye. I let X go, I let cigarettes go, I forgive X, and forgive myself for all the times I was hurt regardless of intention. I apologized to him, to me, and to our dream future family that will never be.
I know what I need to do. Stop smoking. Burn sage all over this apartment. Move furniture. Repaint walls. Repeat as necessary.
This is my new mantra. Be good to yourself. Don’t play games. Pay homage.
What do you do when the person that would make you feel better is also the same person that makes you feel so bad? Nothing but cry until you feel like your head is about to explode. You just have to feel the grief and the sadness, I guess. Anyone out there – any thoughts?
I cannot yet comprehend that I have ended my relationship with someone that I love and care for so much. This person will never be in my life again, and this makes me extremely sad. I am grieving.