Red Flag # 3: The Stressful First Date

31 May

This is just a sampling of the things that were revealed to me by the ex on our first date.  You know, after the age “discrepancy” scenario.

1) Biological mother giving him up so that he may be raised by his biological father and his wife. (Yup, pops was cheating on his wife with mama ex).

2) Crazy exGF #1: who “broke his heart” even though she was exasperating, and crazy, and blah blah blah…

3) Crazy exGF#2:  He was “subletting” her old apartment in the city, even though they had been broken up for about two years.  She was living in another apartment, in another borough, and taking care of his dog, who had been injured and,  yadda yada yada.

4) Childhood abuse – after divulging this information, I responded with “I am so sorry” – to which he responded, “I do not need your pity…”


5) Past unplanned pregnancy with a “girl friend but not GF” that (supposedly) was on the pill – subsequent abortion.

Now you may ask – why in the hell did I ever agree to go out with him a second time?  Why did I not run out during this first date screaming?

You see, I was already of the mindset, “well this is going nowhere”.  In fact, after the madness during dinner, I was ready to call it a night.  I felt that clearly this dude was not ok, and was not even all that interested in me.  His affect just seemed more interested in hearing himself talk.  And during dinner, he barely looked at me, was constantly scanning the room, and rubbing his temples as if he was stressed, and jangling his legs restlessly under the table.  I remember thinking, “Well, I am just going to enjoy my drink and these here nachos (yup.  Nachos are the reason why I wound up dating someone with a personality disorder;)….) as best I can!  It is Friday, and I am tired after a long week of work…”

But this is where things changed.  And now I realize it was because he could sense that I was about to toss him back into the pond. (Yucky, scummy, murky pond!)   He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and when he returned, his demeanor had completely transformed.  He suddenly was quite attentive.   I had to go to the bathroom as well, so when he got back to the table, I got up to go.  He said, “make sure you check out the pics in the bathroom – I think you will really like them.”  I remember thinking “ok, this is a big waste of time.”  But he was right, I did like the black and white photos decorating the bathroom.  And that gave me pause for some reason.

When I got back to the table, he was full of compliments for me,  giving me accolades left, right and center – for being such a good listener, and nonjudgmental, how I had such great energy and beautiful limbs and just had this ease and aura of peace surrounding me (blah blah and MORE BLAH)…

And…..I was hooked.  I was lapping it all up like a guppy out of its tank, I hate to admit.  See, I had some deeply entrenched insecurities that even I was not fully aware of at the time.  But a predator, a good one, can easily spy these little “openings” that can lead him (or her) to prey.


2 Responses to “Red Flag # 3: The Stressful First Date”

  1. Struggling Dad May 31, 2011 at 8:57 pm #

    Do you find the timing a little odd — that, after returning from the bathroom, he was more animated, not stressed, etc.?

    I only ask because a guy I worked with was similar. In his case, he took drugs in the bathroom…

    • goyagrrl June 1, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

      As I was writing this post, I thought about that….but no, definitely not drug-related. Plus the only thing that really shifted was his interest in me – he still had all that nervous energy upon returning from the bathroom. But he no longer was just talking about himself, he turned all his focus onto me.

      I later found out that he was diagnosed in early adulthood with ADD, and he definitely had restless leg syndrome. I think in his particular case, medication (and LOTS of intensive psychotherapy) would have been a good thing!

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