Welcome to the new and improved Goyagrrl Blog

21 Apr

I decided to change the look of this blog – it was dark and kind of gloomy and dreary, which was fitting for where I was at when I first started writing.

But time passes.  Shit happens.  Or does not happen.  And things start to seem a bit better.  I can actually say things are, for the most part (and really, isn’t it all about the proportion?) relatively good.

This particular style I have chosen is “Bueno”.  I liked the look, I liked the name, and bueno…it was an easy transition.

At least some are.

I have also transitioned into being a non-smoker.  Not a “once-in-a-while-if-I-really-feel-like-it-then-ok” non/smoker.  I decided.  I am 39.  And I am (as David Sedaris said) “finished with the cigarettes.”  Unfortunately, unlike David, I cannot move to Japan to quit…but I also was never as heavy a smoker (not at least since college).  I guess I am/was more like President Obama – a chipper.

It has been exactly 2 weeks. I have gone for longer before, but this is somehow different.

I am actually scared because I am going to be hanging out with a bunch of smoker friends on Friday.  Not because I am afraid that I will give in, more that I am afraid of how sad I will be that I can no longer indulge in what has to be the world’s unhealthiest but most satisfying and wonderful vice (other than what I imagine heroin to be like, but THANK GOD I never went down that road!).

I fear sadness and anger.  Also anxiety, but less so as of late.  I have slowly started to form a relationship with my anxiety by really looking at it and trying to describe it to myself.

Anxiety is like cold, molten lead – metallic and heavy and steely – filling my body from lungs and core, slowly on out to my extremities and tips of my fingers, toes, eyelashes and hair.

I guess I can do the same with sadness and anger.  And I guess I will have the opportunity to start on Friday!

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