Riding the waves versus breaking the waves

7 Apr

Overall, I have felt like I have gotten better at riding the waves of life – the inevitable tosses and turns, crashes and occasional “oh-my-god-I-think-I-am-drowning,” that daily life presents us all, in the last few months.

But sometimes, like this past week – I try to brace myself to break the wave, and feel completely thrown over, dragged about and smashed against sharp rocks.  I think in part this has to do with the fact that I:

1) Found myself intrigued by a man, and asked him to hang out. (I have now really REALLY made the resolution to not go after the guys anymore, not even online.  Am taking yet another break from my non-dating online.)

2) Found myself disappointed when we hung out and even though I was slightly disappointed, I loved the illusion that maybe this was the one dude for me (he felt slightly familiar -red flag!) – so I fixated on him for a few days.  (Will not make any assumptions about anyone’s character after only one meeting from now on.)

3) Became increasingly sad, annoyed, depressed, angry that he did not respond to my interest as I had hoped – leading me to feel rejected and…(this happens.  I am human.  Cannot resolve to ever not feel this way again, so….suck it up, honey pie!)


4) Now I feel so disappointed and upset with myself, for not seeing it all for what it really was – desperation.  My constant struggle with feeling lonely and inadequate.

It leads me to feeling so bad about myself, that I begin to question the very core of my abilities and strengths, my work and my intelligence, my looks, my luck, my progress, my weaknesses.

I smoke some cigarettes on and off for a few days ( I bought a pack of cigarettes, smoked a few, threw out the rest of the pack.  A few times.)

I sleep poorly a few nights and am a bit blocked at work.  (Did not attend my exercise classes because I felt tired….leaving me feeling increasingly more tired).

It begins to snowball.

And now – here I am a week later – feeling a bit embarrassed.

What was all this about?  Who am I really trying to get to like me really?  Who REALLY am I trying to form a healthy relationship with?  And why does it seem like this last person – also an only child, slightly removed and aloof, slightly self-involved and extroverted, with a strange family history – is so much like my ex….and also slightly like me….and also a bit like my Dad?

Hello?  Freud?  Is that you?  So now…I got nothing but two huge bags under my eyes.  I guess that is not too bad.  It could have been worse.

I am glad that I did not do what I impulsively and instinctively wanted to do after the “date” – write him an email.  But it also took me a few days to really discern that I actually HAD been quite disappointed at different times during our evening hanging out.  I actually saw some red-flags.  And I have to believe, really believe, that something was emanating from me saying to this dude – “OK, I may be available, but NOT THAT available, and definitely not available for nonsense” – and this is why he did not contact me after.  And why other men that I hope will contact me, do not.

Because maybe, just maybe, I am still in the process of figuring it all out – the right one for me.

So here I am – slightly more resolved and compassionate with myself.  Yes, I was hoping to be “done”.  Yes, I am really f*cking tired and lonely.  Yes, I want love.  But this was not it.  It is disappointing, and it is ok to be disappointed by it.  No more, no less.

It will pass – the wave.

In two days, I will be 39.  This makes me SUPER SUPER DUPER sad and anxious.  I have come so far in a year, and yet at times feel like I am stuck in my life – but my life is not the one I imagined or wanted for myself.

How to come to terms?  For the most part, I have been practicing acceptance.  But it is difficult.


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