The last few days have gotten me a bit down. What else is new. I actually am trying to remain more optimistic than not in this new year, so I have to figure out a way to honor and give time to the completely valid feelings of loneliness, and fear and sadness that I experience from time to time, without being completely sucked into a vortex of woe-is-me-dom. Thus, I am instituting Wednesday Ventsday – the day I (and you) get to vent, feel blue and forlorn, without any need to try to “see the bright side” or keep a stiff upper lip and a high chin. It is hump day, and I think this may be a good way of getting over the hump, without making the whole week a series of increasingly growing molehills-into-mountains.
As you all know, I have decided to give up on dating.
Well…..This is not 100% true -as I remain open to meeting people. And I admit, as I am in graduate school and do not own a television, I often find myself procrastinating school work and research by watching streaming videos on Netflix and perusing the profiles on Match, OKCupid, and How About We. The problem with this is that I:
a) do not do my work
b) watch a lot of crappy stuff (hence defeating the purpose of getting rid of my tv)
c) wink and say I am intrigued and drop the proverbial hankie of the digital age at lots of randoms…
Because I am bored. And a little anxious. And a bit sad.
I began to curb this behavior. I stopped all that nonsense. Take this past weekend, for example. I had been corresponding with two different people and it became glaringly apparent that one was unable to spell (he referred to his “son” as his “sun” and not in metaphorical way) and mentioned that his memory was poor (and here I am paraphrasing….”not as bad as the guy in Memento, but along those lines.”….). The other guy clearly was more interested in just emailing and nothing more.
I just stopped. I called off meeting Mr. Memento, and never responded to Mr. I Do Not Want’s last email. (It is not like he was actually engaging with me anyway, he was always simply listing the things he had done during the day, over the weekend, etc…)
And then I really started to feel bored, and anxious and sad – because I was like – is THIS all there is? Men who cannot spell, don’t remember, and do not want? Sounds alot like the ex, but he could at least spell.
And then I got a Quiver Match from OKCupid that ACTUALLY made me quiver. His profile was so heartwarming and HONEST and open, that I went against my usual MO and wrote to him first. What got me all giddy and quivery? Well, he mentioned being serious about marriage and children and possibly being a foster parent, and all of these wonderful things that left me thinking – “WOW – he DOES exist! AND he can spell. And he does want the same things I want, with similar values.”
Have not heard anything, but I saw that he viewed my profile. So I feel like a BIG FAIL….
I know, I should not take it personally. It is ok to feel sad and bad and anxious at times. And feel defeated and rejected….but only on Wednesdays, from now on.
You know what makes me feel better, though? Really, just absolutely f*cking great!?!
And listening to David Sedaris read Santaland Diaries.
Doing both religiously as of late.