Last day of the first month

31 Jan

I am becoming more and more aware of how rapidly endings and beginnings follow each other.  Although  I often feel like nothing much has changed in my life for the past two decades, with a blink I think “Wait – so much has changed.”

The X emailed me about a week or so ago.  I somehow think this really will be the last time I hear from him, and for that I am relieved.  The email was a whole lot of the same – no acknowledgement of his responsibility, no remorse, a passive-aggressive attempt to place the blame on me, again.  The subject heading was “I finally get it” and in the message he says he finally understands what happened between us: that his love for me was “not enough”.

No.  I don’t think so my revisionist ex.  In fact, his hatred towards others (and himself) was too much for me.  What happened was that I finally faced the fact that my boyfriend was not a nice person.  In fact, he was mean-spirited, verbally and emotionally abusive, anti-Semitic, misogynist, a narcissist, and a megalomaniac.

I cannot respond to his email,  it would be like falling into a dangerous, tenuous and sticky spider web.  It does not really matter – he would not listen, or understand.  But it is important for me to say it – to express the anger and rage and hatred I feel towards him.  So that I may continue to let go and heal.

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