Archive | January, 2011

Last day of the first month

31 Jan

I am becoming more and more aware of how rapidly endings and beginnings follow each other.  Although  I often feel like nothing much has changed in my life for the past two decades, with a blink I think “Wait – so much has changed.”

The X emailed me about a week or so ago.  I somehow think this really will be the last time I hear from him, and for that I am relieved.  The email was a whole lot of the same – no acknowledgement of his responsibility, no remorse, a passive-aggressive attempt to place the blame on me, again.  The subject heading was “I finally get it” and in the message he says he finally understands what happened between us: that his love for me was “not enough”.

No.  I don’t think so my revisionist ex.  In fact, his hatred towards others (and himself) was too much for me.  What happened was that I finally faced the fact that my boyfriend was not a nice person.  In fact, he was mean-spirited, verbally and emotionally abusive, anti-Semitic, misogynist, a narcissist, and a megalomaniac.

I cannot respond to his email,  it would be like falling into a dangerous, tenuous and sticky spider web.  It does not really matter – he would not listen, or understand.  But it is important for me to say it – to express the anger and rage and hatred I feel towards him.  So that I may continue to let go and heal.

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Mr. Backpedal?

19 Jan

Last night I had a phone conversation with Mr. Normal.  Basically, I called to bring up the content of our conversation the other night, and my conclusion that we simply were interested in different things.  And then the weird hit the fan, and I wound up feeling frustrated, confused, and all around slightly depressed.  His response to my initial statement (I think we want different things) was “You want something lighter than me?”  HUH?

I said, no – actually the opposite.  I want the possibility of a future with someone, together – married, and the possibility of children.  He then said that, aside from the kids thing, he wanted that too – to have a life together with someone.  When I mentioned to him that this info was very different from what he had told me the night before, his response was something along the lines of “oh, I may have been unclear.”

I found the whole conversation frustrating – mostly because I actually do like him.  But already, this is all so complicated – and I just can’t deal with any more of that.

I told him that I needed to end the conversation, and that we could talk again some other time.  He said he would call me tonight.

After talking to my pal E about all this, I realize that having my own children is something that is important for me, and I am not interested in giving that up as a possibility.  So Mr. Backpedal, it is time for me to say good-bye.

As for the thing that may be interesting – I will keep you all posted when and if anything develops from it.

 

Mr. Normal.

18 Jan

OK – so here goes.  I had a relatively interesting MLK weekend.  Date number two with Mr. Normal (the widower with 11 year old twins) was a bit of a letdown    Out of nowhere, we got into a heavy discussion about our, shall we say primary, interests in dating.  It seems that for him, it is about having a nice, easy breezy time – i.e. sexy times.  And that he is NOT interested in:

1) marriage or  “even a living-together situation”

2) more children (i.e. is actually scheduled to have a vasectomy in a few weeks)

Did I fail to mention that this was only our second date?  I could not really respond to such heavy info given my slightly inebriated state, and the fact that this was all revealed to me right after being asked how I felt about taking our smooching to either his home or mine and “messing around naked.” (The quotes, ARE quotes.  This is verbatim what was said to me by a 42 year old adult male!)

Granted, I like sex, I really do – but somehow, all this was really unappealing to me.  At this point in my life, and after my last relationship – I realize that I want an adult relationship, not just repeated sexual encounters with no future in sight, and definitely not a relationship where either party is setting themselves up for some serious compromises from the get-go.

Yes, I get horny at times.  Yup, sometimes I am lonely. But I do not want JUST a lover.  Not that there is anything wrong with wanting that and that alone.  In fact, I am quite envious of all the people out there that want JUST that, and only that, and are really, truly honestly ok with that.  I want a connection.  I want stability.  I want shared goals and values.  I want love and to be in love.  I want the commitment and the ring, and all the bells and whistles that go with a true partnership.  And I am no longer afraid or embarrassed to admit it and  state it loudly and proudly.

Mr. Normal asked me what I thought about all the info he just shared with me.  In response, I revealed some pretty heavy stuff  myself  (stuff that I have yet to talk about on this blog, but will eventually) having to do with sex, my last relationship, and where I am now in life, and where I am headed.    I called it a night (and am calling it quits the next time we hang out – for LUNCH!).  As we were walking out the bar, Mr. Normal asked if he could continue asking me about coming over to his place.  I asked “you mean tonight?”  He said “No, on another night.”  I was like “Sure, you can ask…”  But as the words were in the process of being voiced, in my head and heart I already knew – the answer will always be no.

Alas, Mr. Normal and I are definitely not a match.

Now, I was slightly down about this the next day, but this is when things started to get interesting.  More on that in my next post.

Funny frog face

13 Jan

The mug on this toad is pretty similar to the one I had during a meeting at work today.  One of my co-workers came up with a pretty pathetic excuse as to why he did not complete his portion of a project.  I, as you can tell, was NOT AMUSED.

 

Me

But now,  when I look at that little face, I cannot help but chuckle.

Enjoy!

And here are some more cute songs that have been brightening my days recently.

9 Jan

 

 

 

Los Mono

7 Jan

This song is the BEST!  And the video is too cute!

 

Next to Normal.

7 Jan

Remember how I said I just wanted to meet a normal guy?  Well, last night I went out on a date with a man – very cute, sweet, nice, seems sane, stable and solid.

And he is from Normal, Illinois.

I sh*t you not.

Oh Universe!  You really do make me chuckle sometimes.