This year, I AM thankful, and honestly happy! Last year, I was in a miserable relationship with someone who could only consistently provoke anxiety and despair in me (well, and pretty much anyone around him, including himself!). This year, I am open and hopeful for true and authentic love in my life – love that is in keeping with the love that I am blessed with having from, and for, my family and friends. In keeping with the love and respect I have for myself.
Last year, the X said to me, “maybe we should celebrate with our respective families” because he was too “busy” to deal with logistical issues (i.e. planning on when to catch a bus to make it to his mom’s place in Cape Cod in time for dinner. Yup, real rocket science.) The statement devastated me. This, coming from the man who supposedly wanted to marry me and start a family with me. I mean, weren’t we a family? Hence, shouldn’t WE be spending it together, no matter what? (This was by far not the first, or last, or worst of the asinine things the X spewed.)
So, if i could send a little turkey covered card to the X with jovial blessings for the holiday – this is what it would say:
“Guess what? Your wish has been granted!!!! A whole year and happier me later! Happy T-day, Turkey! I am truly thankful and happy that I am here today, without your madness constantly causing me to pray that one of us chokes on that wishbone!”
And to you all the card would say – “ENJOY!”
Ugh. I am “done” with my latest project for graduate school and submitted it with a note basically telling my professor “listen, I tried really hard, but am basically clueless about this.” I gave myself two goals today – finish paper, do not smoke. I met both (yeah, although it is only 6pm).
My relationship with stress and smoking is one that is easily, shall we say, revealed to me this semester. Well, it was also apparent to me for the last two years in my crazy relationship with the X, while in grad school. Stress upon more stress. A stress sandwich of MANWICH proportions.
Kids, I am exhausted. Need to finish up some work, get to class, and try to get a good night’s sleep – so I can have the energy to figure my sh*t out.
Yes, I really fell off the wagon and smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes this weekend. The stress of a complicated and tedious project for graduate school that is due this Tuesday, and the looming, colossal amount of work that is yet to be done in my near and far graduate school future got to me.
But, I did snap out of it. Gotta keep trying to stay quit. I threw the pack away. And although I am still stressed, I am working on this project as best as I can, without harming my body.
My journey lately has been having a whole lots of ups and downs, but I see glimmers of change – in me, in my attitude, in the way I approach life. I am trying to embrace all this as a process of growth and learning, and as with anything that is new, there are a lot of mistakes to be made before things start to click.
Sorry if this post is not making much sense. I am just ridiculously EXHAUSTED by schoolwork!
Aside from my full time job, I am also in a part-time doctoral program. At times, I find my adventures in learning stimulating, fascinating, invigorating and well worth the time, energy and effort.
Not so much lately. I am taking two classes – really hard, tedious, and at times mathematically complex classes. I am feeling exhausted by all the events of the last 3 years of my life (hell, the last DECADE) and am in need of a break.
I just need to get through this semester, in order to gain some perspective. But right now, I just wish that there were more hours in a day (and at least 10 of them could be dedicated to me sleeping!)
Any one out there pursuing professional degrees, in your 30s, while working and trying to keep all your other adult responsibilities in check, along with your sanity…how do you keep yourselves motivated?
My boss told me that she used to remind herself exactly why she was pursuing her degree, and to just take on e day at a time. But when feeling overwhelmed, that is easier said than done. And on top of it, even though I know why I am pursuing this, I am also like….but, so? Can’t I just put in my 8 hours at a job, do the best I can, and go home to do fun, recreational things that do not involve statistical analysis?
I have not posted in a while and thought I would catch all of you reading out there (anyone? anyone? Frye? Frye? Bueller? Bueller?) up on the trials and tribulations of Goyagrrl’s life. Thankfully, things have been pretty low-key and calm. I have been having a nice few weeks since my mini-meltdown-revelation-catalyst-to-change moment last month. It is now November, and I am happy to report that although it is cold – I have been enjoying my autumn. I even went out to a Halloween party (shocker! I cannot remember the last time I went out on Halloween, much less dressed up!) in a costume! (I went as a genie.) I had a good ol’ time with some good friends and did not get my little cold arse home until almost 5AM! After sleeping a few hours (too few hours) I made my way uptown to my cousin’s house. The girls, my mom, and I decorated pumpkins and fun was had by all. However, I was exhausted and went straight to bed when I got home. Which means that I barely got any of my adult responsibilities (like work for school, beauty rest, laundry, etc) handled this weekend. Woot!
I have been thinking about taking a big trip in January or February to visit some friends, but I am also really looking forward to being right here for the upcoming holidays. Something about all the lights up all over the city, and the fact that everyone leaves town (ha!) makes it a great time to be in NYC. And as I live here, I can safely visit family and then make my way back to my OWN home, without too much disturbance, drama, or trauma.
As for my orange-optimism experiment, it is going well. I am feeling more hopeful and relaxed, and my usual dark and dreary-isms aside, can say that deep down, I now DO think things will work out and are working out.
What a change from November 2009!
Yup. It all pretty much work's out in the end.