What dreams may come

7 Oct

Last night I had a dream that I was out and about with my cat Don Gato.  I have had this sort of dream many times, am outside with him, holding him tightly, and realizing too late that I should have put him in his carrying bag before going out, I am afraid that he will escape from my arms and run away, will get hurt, or run over by a car.  At times he struggles and squirms against me, and I am holding on tight.

In this dream, I was with my friend M and she and I were going in to some sort of gymnasium in the hopes of getting picked for some sort of job.  When we got there, the place was already packed and were told that they already had enough people.  In order to go in, we had to take off our shoes.  So as we sat down to put back on our shoes, I asked M if she could put them on for me, and tie them, because I was afraid to let DG go.  She kindly did so, and I remember feeling so grateful.  I started talking to a small boy who wanted to play with the cat (I can not remember this part too well) but then the cat was not a cat anymore, it was a little girl, and I had let her go, to sit next to me, and I was braiding her hair, and cleaning her hands, they were filthy with something or other.  I told the little boy that she could not play right now, because we had to start going home, but in my chest I felt a little lighter about letting go, and letting her play with this boy – like I was sussing him out.  His mom was there, too – I think.

I remember I kept looking out the open doors, thinking I felt comfortable letting her “loose” in the gym (although she was just sitting there right next to me) but that when we had to go outside again it was  with the cat and again I ran the risk of having him squirm out of my arms.

Then, we all were outside, a group of us, and it was dark out – and it was almost like we were in the woods, but there were still buildings around.  The little girl was with me again, I was carrying her – and she was sort of like me when I was little.  I was talking to a young man (that looked like the grown up version of the  little boy from before) and I was sort of miffed with  him over something (cannot remember what), but knew my main responsibility was to the little girl – and something he said (again, cannot remember what) left me feeling hopeful about a possibility as he left.

When I woke up, I still felt hopeful, but it quickly evaporated as I hazily started to come into real life out of dream life.  The mornings are always the worst for me when I am going through a hard time.  Last night I also had a dream with the X (I had one the previous night as well).  In this one, it was a Halloween party and he came dressed up as “Leia Solo” – like a female Han Solo with Leia’s signature hairstyle. So strange!  He came with his friend W – and W was dressed as Chewie, but wearing a Han Solo outfit.  In the dream, I thought it was interesting – the whole gender bending thing, and coming with his “out” friend, and also the fact that he was advertising he was “solo”.

WTF?

The previous night, my dream was all about having to get something to him before he got home, so that I would not have to run into him, but then feeling really sad and angry when I saw he was planning a big festive Christmas party – and in the dream, I was like “Why did he never want to do these fun, sane things when he was with me?”  In the dream, I kept searching for my cigarettes in my bag.

I have many thoughts about what all this reveals, about the process that I am going through.  But, if you are reading and have any ideas, I sure would love to hear them!

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