It happened.

4 Oct

I ran into the X – coming out of the PSFC.  Luckily, I was with a friend.  I acknowledged that I saw him, but I kept walking.  We did not say anything to each other.  I think I have been dreading this moment so much, and now that is has happened, a tsunami of emotions have come forth.  Sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, a tightness in my stomach and racing thoughts in my head.  When will it not matter one way or another where he lives?  If I ever see him again?  When will it just not matter and I can say, “that is over and you have nothing to do with me.  You are in my past, go in peace” and really feel it, and have it be the reality of the present moment?

And I want to scream – WHY are you here?  WHY are you here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????  Go away and leave me alone!!!!!!  Just go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I know this is awful, but I want the guy to get together with someone else and go off to be with her.  It is his pattern, I know it.  I just have to believe that it is his pattern, just as is the hanging around and not budging until someone else comes along to “rescue” him.

I am trying to be kind to myself and gentle in the face of all this – maybe (finally) learn to be one of my very own best friends.  Not beat myself up, and not judge myself – treat myself with care and concern, kindness and dignity – not “rebel” against my emotions or toughen my self to them.  Really feel the pain, sorrow, anxiety, anger and fear!  Try not to combat them or diminish them or make them go away, but let them run their course. They deserve attention to0, and I need to acknowledge how hurt and angry I am because I really SUFFERED in the relationship, and I loved someone dearly who did not love himself.

Ugh.  This is so hard, and I am so hurt.

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