Archive | October, 2010

Squeezing a glass-half-full of oranges

15 Oct

Citr-US

I randomly picked up this book by Amy Spencer.  It is called Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match.  Now, I have to say – at times I am embarrassed by the amount of self-help literature I have read in the last decade or so.  (AT times, I couldn’t care less -, and am not in the least bit embarrassed,as I am too busy with my nose in book gaining lots of much needed insight).  But I have to say, I am really liking this particular book because it is the first one that I have read thus far that is just saying – “You don’t have to do anything, just want it and be optimistic.”  It sounds simple and hokey and at the same time, brilliant.  Other books I have read take on the whole “when the time is “right” it will happen” or “you are getting in your own way” or “you do not want it badly enough”…blah blah blah.  And you know what I say to all that now?  Fooey.  It is all a load of hogwash.  I know plenty of people that were not at all in the “right” time, and they most certainly were getting in their own way, and continue to do so.  But you know what?  I do not want their relationships.  I want my very own, true relationship – the one that is right for me.  And I am ready for it.  So…..

Meeting Your Half-Orange has a simple philosophy, believe it will happen and that it will come to you and just enjoy your life!  Maybe it will happen in 10 days, or 8 months, or 10 years, but believe it will happen. So relax,  and enjoy your life now – not in the “meantime” but right now!

For me, this has opened up a window, and I feel a huge sense of relief, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders, of self doubt, blame, and deprecation.

Simply put, it is ok that I want what I want, and it is ok to be hopeful.  You do not have to settle and you are not being “too picky”.  You do not need to heal any more wounded birds and it WILL work out.  I am starting to believe that, somewhere deep within me.

So this half-orange  is in the process of practicing being a glass-half-full-half orange, and wants to attract the same!

Here is a link to the author’s website

http://meetingyourhalforange.com/

 

PS: I NO LONGER LIKE THIS PARTICULAR BOOK OR PHILOSOPHY.  Hogwash, I tell ya’!!!

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may the force be with you (and me, please!)

10 Oct

Where were you guys when I REALLY needed you?

It is oddly quiet.  Now, that may be because I am sitting in the library.  But, it is something else, it is deeper, and it is inside me.  And it is ok, I think.  Yesterday was quite a day.  I got myself up (relatively) early and made my way uptown to my mom’s house to pack up the few things the X had left there, and placed them in the lobby of the building.  He was coming to pick them up later in the day, and I did not want to see him or have him come up to my mom’s apartment to get the stuff.

I then made my way to the library to get some work done.  After a few hours, contender (no-longer-contender)#1 texted me.  We had plans to go to Comic Con and I was getting all geared up to tell him that I was only interested in being pals.  Regradless, I was kind of excited to go to this comic thing…I have never been and it seemed like fun.

No – it was depressing in the state that I was in.  I was not at all in the mood to see teens and middle-aged folks alike decked out like Princess Leia (hmmm……am I psychic?) or the latest anime character to steal the title of “fresh new cyborg robot on the block” – not that I think that title exists, but you get the gist of it, I hope.

The place was packed.  It was in the massive, gray, dimly lit and poorly air-circulated Jacob Javitz Center.  I was hungry, and sad, and weighed over by textbooks in my backpack and just a general heavyness in my being.  Poor contender-non-contender.  He tried to carry my books and make me smile.  But honestly.  I am a 38 year old woman, that just cut the final ties on a traumatic relationship getting out of hours in the library trying to figure out statistical analyses for an epidemiological paper assignment due in my Doctoral program. And here I was eating chicken fingers and fries on the sticky floor of a convention center with  costumed elfins around me?  I was not feeling ANY of it.  Or the non-contender, as nice and sweet and decent as he is.  All 34 years of him.

So after waiting for what felt like 25 minutes to get into the bathroom, I got out, spent another 10 minutes tracking homeboy down and blurted, “I am sorry.  I have to go.”

I spent the evening in bed, watching Gossip Girl.  I do not feel particularly low or sad or bereft or anxious.  Just quiet.

Oh, and I sent the non-contender an apology email, saying I wanted to be friends, if he was up for it.

Comic Con however, never again.

Sorry contender numero uno. You are NOT my only hope.

Another email.

8 Oct

But this time, no VISCERAL reaction.  Anger, annoyance, sadness – yes.  But, less disorienting and destabilizing.  The x is finally getting his stuff from my mom’s place tomorrow.  Yipee.  One day closer to having this one day further behind.

What dreams may come

7 Oct

Last night I had a dream that I was out and about with my cat Don Gato.  I have had this sort of dream many times, am outside with him, holding him tightly, and realizing too late that I should have put him in his carrying bag before going out, I am afraid that he will escape from my arms and run away, will get hurt, or run over by a car.  At times he struggles and squirms against me, and I am holding on tight.

In this dream, I was with my friend M and she and I were going in to some sort of gymnasium in the hopes of getting picked for some sort of job.  When we got there, the place was already packed and were told that they already had enough people.  In order to go in, we had to take off our shoes.  So as we sat down to put back on our shoes, I asked M if she could put them on for me, and tie them, because I was afraid to let DG go.  She kindly did so, and I remember feeling so grateful.  I started talking to a small boy who wanted to play with the cat (I can not remember this part too well) but then the cat was not a cat anymore, it was a little girl, and I had let her go, to sit next to me, and I was braiding her hair, and cleaning her hands, they were filthy with something or other.  I told the little boy that she could not play right now, because we had to start going home, but in my chest I felt a little lighter about letting go, and letting her play with this boy – like I was sussing him out.  His mom was there, too – I think.

I remember I kept looking out the open doors, thinking I felt comfortable letting her “loose” in the gym (although she was just sitting there right next to me) but that when we had to go outside again it was  with the cat and again I ran the risk of having him squirm out of my arms.

Then, we all were outside, a group of us, and it was dark out – and it was almost like we were in the woods, but there were still buildings around.  The little girl was with me again, I was carrying her – and she was sort of like me when I was little.  I was talking to a young man (that looked like the grown up version of the  little boy from before) and I was sort of miffed with  him over something (cannot remember what), but knew my main responsibility was to the little girl – and something he said (again, cannot remember what) left me feeling hopeful about a possibility as he left.

When I woke up, I still felt hopeful, but it quickly evaporated as I hazily started to come into real life out of dream life.  The mornings are always the worst for me when I am going through a hard time.  Last night I also had a dream with the X (I had one the previous night as well).  In this one, it was a Halloween party and he came dressed up as “Leia Solo” – like a female Han Solo with Leia’s signature hairstyle. So strange!  He came with his friend W – and W was dressed as Chewie, but wearing a Han Solo outfit.  In the dream, I thought it was interesting – the whole gender bending thing, and coming with his “out” friend, and also the fact that he was advertising he was “solo”.

WTF?

The previous night, my dream was all about having to get something to him before he got home, so that I would not have to run into him, but then feeling really sad and angry when I saw he was planning a big festive Christmas party – and in the dream, I was like “Why did he never want to do these fun, sane things when he was with me?”  In the dream, I kept searching for my cigarettes in my bag.

I have many thoughts about what all this reveals, about the process that I am going through.  But, if you are reading and have any ideas, I sure would love to hear them!

Visits from old friend

5 Oct

You all know that Simon & Garfunkle song that starts out with “Hello darkness my old friend…”?  Well, this past weekend I ran into my ex on the street.  The experience has really opened up wounds that have yet to heal.  But what I am noticing is that the biggest wound is one that unfortunately I have been carrying around with me my whole life, that is, way way way before I met my ex.  I have been reading a book called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.  My therapist gave it to me when I first ended the relationship, and I went through it then, but honestly could not remember too much of it, other than the importance of just learning to accept the moment of now.  The part that I forgot (and now that I am reading it again, I see is vital) is compassion.

You see, I have always dealt with anxiety – ever since I was a child – and quite honestly, I think it just comes from this place deep within me that does not like myself.  It is so sad to admit, but true.  Anxiety has manifested itself in my stomach – tightening itself into a tiny fist – an ugly, black and hairy circle of fear.  When I saw the ex again, it returned, and I realize that what I am really afraid of is my reaction to having seen him!  I was hating the way that I felt, that I felt scared, angry, terrified – but these are the exact same feelings that I need to have compassion for – instead of trying to brace myself against them, or do something to manage them or make them go away, I have to console them.  After doing some of the visualization exercises that I read about in the book, and have practiced a few times with my therapist, I am now imagining these feelings & sensations in the pit of my stomach (this tangle of anger, fear, and sadness) as a tiny black kitten – it is dirty and hungry and mewing for attention.  If I do not pay attention to it, it screams even more – I am here! Help me!  Hold me!  I am sad, and lonely and afraid, clean me, feed me, stroke me and keep me warm.  As she becomes more and more desperate for attention, she takes out her tiny claws and begins to shred at the insides of the pit of my stomach.  I want her to stop, so I shut down my stomach, I lose my appetite, I become nauseous and more anxious, I smoke a cigarette in the hopes that the kitten will go to sleep.

What I now want, is to hold that little kitten that is actually me. I am so sorry (I am crying as I write this) that I have ignored you (me) for so long, and have been so harsh on myself, beaten up on myself so many times for having feelings that are mine and authentic and true, that I mistakenly judged as being “weak” “crazy” “deficient” and/or “wrong”.  I am so sorry that I was so neglectful, for so many years, and I am learning to forgive myself.

So now I visualize the kitten – I am beginning to hold her close, and stroke her – feed her warm, nutritive things and thoughts, and beginning to gently clean her up.  I am holding her close and whispering, it is ok – I am here, and I know you are sad, and scared and very angry, and these are hard things to feel.  They suck.  You feel awful.

I want to hold that little neglected cat, and have her eventually go out to play, knowing she can always come in and find solace.  I want to be that solace.

It happened.

4 Oct

I ran into the X – coming out of the PSFC.  Luckily, I was with a friend.  I acknowledged that I saw him, but I kept walking.  We did not say anything to each other.  I think I have been dreading this moment so much, and now that is has happened, a tsunami of emotions have come forth.  Sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, a tightness in my stomach and racing thoughts in my head.  When will it not matter one way or another where he lives?  If I ever see him again?  When will it just not matter and I can say, “that is over and you have nothing to do with me.  You are in my past, go in peace” and really feel it, and have it be the reality of the present moment?

And I want to scream – WHY are you here?  WHY are you here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????  Go away and leave me alone!!!!!!  Just go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, I know this is awful, but I want the guy to get together with someone else and go off to be with her.  It is his pattern, I know it.  I just have to believe that it is his pattern, just as is the hanging around and not budging until someone else comes along to “rescue” him.

I am trying to be kind to myself and gentle in the face of all this – maybe (finally) learn to be one of my very own best friends.  Not beat myself up, and not judge myself – treat myself with care and concern, kindness and dignity – not “rebel” against my emotions or toughen my self to them.  Really feel the pain, sorrow, anxiety, anger and fear!  Try not to combat them or diminish them or make them go away, but let them run their course. They deserve attention to0, and I need to acknowledge how hurt and angry I am because I really SUFFERED in the relationship, and I loved someone dearly who did not love himself.

Ugh.  This is so hard, and I am so hurt.