Tax Man

28 Sep

This is the beginning of something I started to draft yesterday.  I was feeling kind of low, and blue and lonely and getting into a very “woe is me” frame of mind.

I originally entitled the post “someone to” and this is what I wrote….

“…make my life a bit easier

make my daily existence a tad more enhanced, enjoyable

be a companion

laugh with heartily

take comfort with

and that is…

solid

sane

gainfully employed

and can…

take care of me

allow me to take care of him…”

As the day went on, and I was beginning to feel frustrated by mood, I looked through some old emails, and wrote this:

“…Even though I am feeling blue, I looked through emails from this same time last year, and I remembered events from  two years ago.  Things have changed, for the better, and maybe not in the way that I anticipated and hope for but still.  They have (and are) improving.  I am moving forward, and I have come a loooooong way, baby:)…”

I wrote this after reading a particularly harrowing email to a friend about yet another aspect of my horribly toxic relationship with the x.  After reading the Sept. 28,  2009 email,  I was like “phew!  Thank GOD that is all over.”

But then a few hours later, I get an email from the X requesting that I deal with yet another thing for him.  Granted, these are all the final, logistical things that need to be taken care of to finally cut all ties, FOR GOOD!  But still, his mere email sent me into a spiral, he leaves me feeling burdened, livid, exhausted, and I wonder – is having these sorts of visceral feelings the same as having “feeling” feelings – in the sense that the X is still under my skin, and in that sense, I am still not completely “over” him?  Although it makes me cringe to think so, and slightly embarrassed – I have to be honest.  I think it is the case.  I am still in the process of healing and letting go, and in that sense, maybe this is not the time for me to have high expectations for a fabulous romance.

I think another dating detox may be in order!  Or at least, an online dating detox;)

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