Feeling a bit low

25 Sep

I have to admit, I have been feeling kind of low these last few days – not the depths of despair, mind you, but…..meh.  Alot of old thoughts, fears, and patterns have emerged.  I think pretty much in reaction to:

1) the disappointment that contender #1 is actually not a contender

2) the email from the X

3) seasonal change

I find myself thinking and questioning: “why why why?  Why am I so unlucky in love?  Why couldn’t the X have been sane?  Why couldn’t contender #1 have been suited for me?  Why do all the men that I am involved with have some history of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, unsteady employment, or all of the above?  Why couldn’t the nice, normal German architect from earlier in the summer just have asked me out?  Why couldn’t my ex from college that I still carry a torch for live in the same city as me so that we could have figured out when we were both single that we were meant to be?”

You guys get the gist of the inanity, right?  So I then spin into a cycle of slight desperation – looking at those online posts, winking, being intrigued, and then waiting for some response – feeling down when there is none.  Feeling hopeful when there is one, and then plummeting when it disappears before a meeting.  And you know what? It sucks ass!

I find myself reading through other blogs of women that are going through the same thing as me, and as much as I find it comforting to be in the company of such strong, intelligent, confident women – I am also tired of the bellyaching and the constant, nagging gnat buzzing in our ears “you must DO something, you must have done something wrong in the past, hurry hurry hurry, time is running out.”

The thing is – I have done nothing “wrong” or particularly different from friends of mine that are happily partnered (I say happily, because I know many that are unhappily partnered, just for the sake of being able to say “my boyfriend/husband/wife/girlfriend/spouse/significant other” at the drop of a hat at a party).  I think it may be random, the odds in the grand scheme of things being 50-50, and in life (hopefully) there are still many chances to find out which of the “50s” you wind up in.  So for now, nothing is set in stone.

I just want to really enjoy the NOW – and let things happen.  Not try to control, and not question everything.  I do not want to suck the beautiful colors out of my current existence with constant nagging defeat.  If I feel low, I want to allow myself to feel low without making it into a whole other thing.  I want to have a great Fall 2010!

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