First Daze

8 Sep

Classes have started and even though I am closer to forty than ever before, I am still a nervous wreck on the first few days of (or several weeks into the start of) a new semester.  I know.  What am I worried about?  That the teacher will yell at me?  That classmates will laugh or think I am stupid?  That I will fail?  Well,…actually, yeah!  This nervousness and catastrophic thinking then leads me down this particular road of “there is no way I can do this AND my job.  I will not be able to concentrate at work.  My brain will shut down.  I will get fired.” Followed by a turn at, “and there is no way I can have a relationship (whether I am in one or not, or even if I am in one, but it happens to be a particularly unhealthy one regardless of what I am doing in the relationship because of the other person’s mental health, or lack of…) and handle all my responsibilities.”  Usually I am accompanied on this delightful path with the following:

1) The gods are conspiring against me, I can never get these statistical programs to work (yup, some lovely magical thinking there)

2) I will never have enough time in the day – I need to sleep!  And unwind! (AS IF I have even tried to pull an all nighter since 1992.  HA!  When I am tired and need to sleep, I really do NOT care who yells or laughs at me, what people think, or any other nonsense.

So….this time around, I am just observing all these thoughts.  Feeling them, but not too much.  Not getting side-swiped.

As for contender Numero Uno, he has returned.  At times, I find myself a bit miffed that he has not tried to sweep me off my feet, calling me as soon as he has arrived, wanting to see me immediately, etc.  Due to both our hectic schedules, we have made a plan to see each other NEXT Saturday (i.e. a week and a half away).  Oddly enough, I am also relieved.  A slow simmer (if it happens to) would be quite a nice change of pace.  What is the rush, really?  I ran a race already with my last relationship, and all it left me was – exhausted.

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