I was on the train last night, coming home from class. A dude next to me was reading a book about Chinese history – and I was peeking over his shoulder at the text. There was a list of important people in Chinese history – one was the “degenerate terminator of dynasty”. I couldn’t catch the name, but, damn, what a way to be remembered! Made me chuckle.
This is the beginning of something I started to draft yesterday. I was feeling kind of low, and blue and lonely and getting into a very “woe is me” frame of mind.
I originally entitled the post “someone to” and this is what I wrote….
“…make my life a bit easier
make my daily existence a tad more enhanced, enjoyable
be a companion
laugh with heartily
take comfort with
and that is…
take care of me
allow me to take care of him…”
As the day went on, and I was beginning to feel frustrated by mood, I looked through some old emails, and wrote this:
“…Even though I am feeling blue, I looked through emails from this same time last year, and I remembered events from two years ago. Things have changed, for the better, and maybe not in the way that I anticipated and hope for but still. They have (and are) improving. I am moving forward, and I have come a loooooong way, baby:)…”
I wrote this after reading a particularly harrowing email to a friend about yet another aspect of my horribly toxic relationship with the x. After reading the Sept. 28, 2009 email, I was like “phew! Thank GOD that is all over.”
But then a few hours later, I get an email from the X requesting that I deal with yet another thing for him. Granted, these are all the final, logistical things that need to be taken care of to finally cut all ties, FOR GOOD! But still, his mere email sent me into a spiral, he leaves me feeling burdened, livid, exhausted, and I wonder – is having these sorts of visceral feelings the same as having “feeling” feelings – in the sense that the X is still under my skin, and in that sense, I am still not completely “over” him? Although it makes me cringe to think so, and slightly embarrassed – I have to be honest. I think it is the case. I am still in the process of healing and letting go, and in that sense, maybe this is not the time for me to have high expectations for a fabulous romance.
I think another dating detox may be in order! Or at least, an online dating detox;)
I have to admit, I have been feeling kind of low these last few days – not the depths of despair, mind you, but…..meh. Alot of old thoughts, fears, and patterns have emerged. I think pretty much in reaction to:
1) the disappointment that contender #1 is actually not a contender
2) the email from the X
3) seasonal change
I find myself thinking and questioning: “why why why? Why am I so unlucky in love? Why couldn’t the X have been sane? Why couldn’t contender #1 have been suited for me? Why do all the men that I am involved with have some history of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, unsteady employment, or all of the above? Why couldn’t the nice, normal German architect from earlier in the summer just have asked me out? Why couldn’t my ex from college that I still carry a torch for live in the same city as me so that we could have figured out when we were both single that we were meant to be?”
You guys get the gist of the inanity, right? So I then spin into a cycle of slight desperation – looking at those online posts, winking, being intrigued, and then waiting for some response – feeling down when there is none. Feeling hopeful when there is one, and then plummeting when it disappears before a meeting. And you know what? It sucks ass!
I find myself reading through other blogs of women that are going through the same thing as me, and as much as I find it comforting to be in the company of such strong, intelligent, confident women – I am also tired of the bellyaching and the constant, nagging gnat buzzing in our ears “you must DO something, you must have done something wrong in the past, hurry hurry hurry, time is running out.”
The thing is – I have done nothing “wrong” or particularly different from friends of mine that are happily partnered (I say happily, because I know many that are unhappily partnered, just for the sake of being able to say “my boyfriend/husband/wife/girlfriend/spouse/significant other” at the drop of a hat at a party). I think it may be random, the odds in the grand scheme of things being 50-50, and in life (hopefully) there are still many chances to find out which of the “50s” you wind up in. So for now, nothing is set in stone.
I just want to really enjoy the NOW – and let things happen. Not try to control, and not question everything. I do not want to suck the beautiful colors out of my current existence with constant nagging defeat. If I feel low, I want to allow myself to feel low without making it into a whole other thing. I want to have a great Fall 2010!
This is an excerpt from a book by Anita Jain. She is saying this to an ex-boyfriend that has all of a sudden decided to propose to her, now that she is happily with someone else. The words resonate for me – having had my own ex- resurface, I began to question – “Did I make it all up? Was I just being too picky? Was I the one that was creating the madness?” Then I remember. No, I was just involved with a manipulator, one that never could fess up to his flaws, and never would apologize. He would just “thank you thank you thank you” away to throw one off his trail.
“It’s like this….You have always thought that your manhood was constituted by, or rested on, your intellectualism, or your education, or your family pedigree, or your job, or even your prep-school-boy good looks, but I guess what you’re realizing, now that someone else is making me happy by simply being nice to me, is that your manhood was actually never defined by those things. You are less of a man because you didn’t want to be nice to your girlfriend.”
At least her ex actually proposed by asking “Will you marry me?” (and since he actually does, versus “pretend” that he did, he does not have to then go on and on about how he cannot believe that his “betrothed” cannot “remember” being proposed to. Because you never actually did it, you jackass!)
At least her ex owns up to his shortcomings and disregard for her during the relationship, and apologizes profusely and seemingly with intent.
So, yup. I did not make it up, or create it. And thankfully, my memory is still pretty good.
It is September, and summer has left. I have been having a less than lovely last few days. On Saturday I was hanging out with contender #1 – he is no longer a contender. Let’s just say that the guy is very sweet and nice, and honest. But not solid or even stable, so – I had asked the universe to make it very clear to me if someone is not right for me, and the universe has complied. Same for another that I had recently started emailing – there were tentative plans to meet next week, and then nothing. Again, if the universe is making it clear – I thank it, but I cannot say that I am not left without disappointment.
The X contacted me about some money stuff, it turns my stomach so viscerally whenever I think about it that I cannot even write about it just yet. Regardless, it was something I needed (thanks again, universe!) as it confirmed the time has come to cut those remaining, dangling few threads, and for this I feel relieved as well as happy that I am strong enough now to do it.
So universe, here is a thought and a request – if there are still a few good men out there, and I believe that there are – would it be possible to have one that is right for me and my needs and circumstances in the long run to come my way sooner rather than later? Until then, keep up the good work in letting me know which ones are not.
For those lucky enough to not know this, OKCupid will send you “quiver” results – these are folks in your area that are looking to date, mate, love, hate, and/or all of the above. My X was one of my recent “quiver” matches. This in and of itself was annoying, but typical for these sites. When new people “join” or reactivate their accounts, the site “matches” them to others in that geographic area. What was disturbing was that my X put down that he was a whole 4 years younger than he actually is (41 versus his advertised 37). The dude can get away with it, he looks like he is in his 20s, but……shudder. And this is the creepy part. When I met him two years ago on the very same site, he listed his age as 34 – it later came out that he was 39 on our first date. I drank the Kool-Aid and “believed” him when he said, “oh, I must’ve made a mistake in typing in my birth year,” after I called him out on the inconsistency between his supposed age online and the year he graduated from high school. Later on in our relationship, he admitted to the deceit, saying “it is what women are looking for.” Ugh. AND I continued to be with him, even after that.
Anyway, so this is what is creepy. He went back in and AGAIN changed his age. If he had left it alone from the last time, his age would now be 36. The whole thing is just….sick.
Yup, you have come a long way, baby.
Classes have started and even though I am closer to forty than ever before, I am still a nervous wreck on the first few days of (or several weeks into the start of) a new semester. I know. What am I worried about? That the teacher will yell at me? That classmates will laugh or think I am stupid? That I will fail? Well,…actually, yeah! This nervousness and catastrophic thinking then leads me down this particular road of “there is no way I can do this AND my job. I will not be able to concentrate at work. My brain will shut down. I will get fired.” Followed by a turn at, “and there is no way I can have a relationship (whether I am in one or not, or even if I am in one, but it happens to be a particularly unhealthy one regardless of what I am doing in the relationship because of the other person’s mental health, or lack of…) and handle all my responsibilities.” Usually I am accompanied on this delightful path with the following:
1) The gods are conspiring against me, I can never get these statistical programs to work (yup, some lovely magical thinking there)
2) I will never have enough time in the day – I need to sleep! And unwind! (AS IF I have even tried to pull an all nighter since 1992. HA! When I am tired and need to sleep, I really do NOT care who yells or laughs at me, what people think, or any other nonsense.
So….this time around, I am just observing all these thoughts. Feeling them, but not too much. Not getting side-swiped.
As for contender Numero Uno, he has returned. At times, I find myself a bit miffed that he has not tried to sweep me off my feet, calling me as soon as he has arrived, wanting to see me immediately, etc. Due to both our hectic schedules, we have made a plan to see each other NEXT Saturday (i.e. a week and a half away). Oddly enough, I am also relieved. A slow simmer (if it happens to) would be quite a nice change of pace. What is the rush, really? I ran a race already with my last relationship, and all it left me was – exhausted.