not.

9 Aug

This is something that I overheard the other day while walking in to work:

“It doesn’t matter whether you meant to consider it, or if you didn’t care.  You just didn’t.”

I have no idea what the guy who was saying this was referring to, or who he was saying it to on his cell phone.  All I know is that it expresses EXACTLY what I want to say to my ex.  See, there ARE things I would like to say to him, but I cannot.  For my ex-,  our relationship was the most healthy one he has ever had.  This is quite disturbing, as it is by far the most unhealthy one I have ever experienced – absolutely toxic.     For him, he got all the benefits of being with a relatively sane and stable partner.  I, on the other hand, got the short end of an absolutely splintered stick.  The last email I received from him, he asked me to tell him “exactly” the actions and behaviors he engaged in that led me to ending the relationship.  I have, on many occasions in the past, told him in detail what these actions/behaviors were.  It did not seem to make things any clearer for him.   Although for me, it just proved to me over and over again (until I finally got it) that this guy was not really listening, and never would.  So what I would tell him (if I could) are the things that he did NOT do.  Maybe that would somehow be more understandable?

“Dear X,

During the course of our relationship, you were not particularly kind or considerate.  You were rarely consistent and never clear.  You were not often gentle with your words, or actions.  For the most part, you were not careful or caring.  You just were not.”

I know what his response to this would be anyway.  It would go something like, “But I love you.  How can these things be true?”  It reminds me of that Sting song… “Why should I cry for you, why would you want me to?  What would it mean to say, that ‘I loved you in my own fashion’ ?”

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