Rules of Disengagement

11 Jun

Letting go is difficult.  Even when you know it is the right thing to do, for everyone involved.  Even if it is what you most want, there is still a part of you that wants to hold on to the love that is still there, and the dreams that will no longer become reality.  You are aware that those were just dreams, they never could become reality.  But still.  There was the hope.

So, after a break-up, how do you navigate the need for communication about the little logistical threads still hanging, like shared bank accounts, mail to be forwarded, items stored away in the other person’s family home, etc.?  At first, I thought the only way I could deal with this sort of stuff with my X was by not dealing.  But that was just avoidance, and it definitely left me still engaged in some form or another with him and the toxic relationship.  Now, I am just trying to cut those threads as quickly and painlessly as possible.  Emails are only for logistical purposes (i.e., “this was sent in the mail – here is the tracking number”) and a neutral place will be set up for the return of items and left there for pick up, so that I do not have to interact with him.

The other day, I was walking around my neighborhood and saw the X’s bike.  It was kind of surprising, but at the same time, typical.  Of course.  While we were together, he complained endlessly about how he hated this area, hated NYC, hate, hate, hate and how he wanted to leave to move back to SF.  Now, that we are no longer together, he may be living only a few blocks away.  Inconsistent behavior and actions that are never congruent with his words.  That was the vein that pulsed throughout most of my relationship with X.  Disengagement is difficult, but necessary.

In the last two weeks, I have had two dreams that have signaled to me, that deep down I am really letting go.  In one, I was slowly starting to get sucked into his entangled ways, and even in the dream, I began to feel the anxiety and nausea that plagued me for most of the relationship.  I basically broke up with him, again in the dream.

In the second one, he was around me with a group of friends.  We were all sitting at a table together – he was on one side and I was directly facing him, we were at opposite heads of the table.  I was mentioning how I had finally received my Spanish dual citizenship, and he looked at me, with this expression on his face.  In real life, X was always pestering me about this, but because he thought that somehow it would benefit him – that by being married to me, he would also be eligible for Spanish citizenship.  Even though I often explained to him that was not how it worked, and that this was a long, annoying and bureaucratic process, he would go into these semi-tirades about how I should just get a lawyer and be done with it (nonsense) and that I was taking my sweet time with all of the paperwork when I knew this was something that was very important to him.  I was sort of amused – I told him, “this is not about you!”  In the dream, I felt that same sort of energy, and thought – “I need to make sure that I get away from him. He just wants to use me.”

Sometimes your dreams do bring you “reason” and not monsters.

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