Archive | June, 2010

Not in my backyard

30 Jun

 A good friend of mine (and neighbor) was shopping at our local grocery store (a food coop) when she spotted the X.  WTF?  I know that I cannot stake claims to this place, but still.  Why?  After so many months of invoking the many reasons why this city/borough/neighborhood & the various people living in it churned his stomach, WHY is the X still shopping at the Park Slope Food Coop?

Yes, I know the quality of the food is excellent, and prices are much more reasonable.  And, being a hustler, he was able to finagle accumulating an exceeding amount of F-TOP hours so that he does not actually have to work a shift for the next twenty-years.  But still.  I wonder if there is a way that I can sabotage this whole thing by calling him out to the PSFC  authorities.  HA!  How Animal Farm/Milan Kundera of me. 

If you out there in Blog-land have no idea what I am ranting about when I mention F-TOP and shifts, and the PSFC authorities, stay tuned.  I will explain in another post.

weak-ends

22 Jun

Move over Morrissey, I am with Mr. Marr now!

This weekend, I had yet another very confusing interaction with my crush.  Although said crush is dating someone (he is never out with her whenever he and I are out with a group of friends), he always makes a point of coming over to sit next to me, or talk to me, pay attention to me, etc.  But then…nothing.  A weak end.  It is strange.  Men are strange.

Actually, no – it is not that strange.  The guy may have an affinity towards me – but that is the extent of it.  Many men have had an affinity towards me, but nothing ever comes of it.  And when I force SOMETHING to happen, it inevitably leads to an unfulfilling outcome.  This is because I often mistakenly believe that  having anything happen is better than having nothing happen.  Not always true, my friends. 

This sort of thing has plagued me pretty regularly over the course of my life – ever since a certain mohawked boy with glasses and braces (he was 15, I was 17) flirted with me desperately at a school dance until he caught my attention.  Once he finally did and I was hooked – he disappeared and began dating someone else ( who I later found out he lost his virginity to, much to my dismay and despair.  Cue The Smiths) and never would even speak to me to say hello when we would bump into each other at random Sunday punk rock shows at ABC No Rio (oh…young, unrequited love in the 8o’s…)

21 years of weak ends. 

Splitting hairs, am I?

Intention

17 Jun

I will admit it.  I read a lot of hokey self-help literature.  And I like it.  Particularly, the theory of setting your intentions, and sending them out to the universe.  AND, this is backed up by many world religion theologies, and some smaller ones, to boot.  PLUS, it can’t hurt.

Sooooo………….before, my intention involved this dialogue with the universe:

Me: Where is he?

Universe: Who?

Me: My man.

Universe: Who?

Me: HIM, dammit!!!!!!

Universe:  Who, HIM?

Me (desperately): Sure, fine, him, anyone!

Is there any wonder as to HOW I wound up in the predicament I was in?

Here is my new and improved dialogue with the universe:

Me: Bring me the right man for me.

Universe; Right on!

another ex-sighting, not exciting.

16 Jun

…well – actually, it was his bike.  Honestly, that bike is like an appendage – it might as well be him.  So, after a break-up, how do you handle the ex deciding to stay and live in the neighborhood?  (Even though while we were together, he was constantly spouting how much he HATED living in the area…and wanted to leave NYC to move to SF.  But now, not only is NYC just fine, so is the zip code that I have been living in for the past 13 years! WTF?)

No comprendo.

I think soon I will be able to shift the general theme thus far of this blog, and start a new chapter.  Not everything in my life is about the X anymore.  I have started to take didgeridoo classes.  I am getting into revamping and overhauling the apartment.  I am planning trips and activities with friends.  I am starting to go to Zumba classes again (Alma, my instructor, is a star!)  Maybe some day I will even date again…that is, if I come across a nice, sane, solid, & caring eligible bachelor.

Rules of Disengagement

11 Jun

Letting go is difficult.  Even when you know it is the right thing to do, for everyone involved.  Even if it is what you most want, there is still a part of you that wants to hold on to the love that is still there, and the dreams that will no longer become reality.  You are aware that those were just dreams, they never could become reality.  But still.  There was the hope.

So, after a break-up, how do you navigate the need for communication about the little logistical threads still hanging, like shared bank accounts, mail to be forwarded, items stored away in the other person’s family home, etc.?  At first, I thought the only way I could deal with this sort of stuff with my X was by not dealing.  But that was just avoidance, and it definitely left me still engaged in some form or another with him and the toxic relationship.  Now, I am just trying to cut those threads as quickly and painlessly as possible.  Emails are only for logistical purposes (i.e., “this was sent in the mail – here is the tracking number”) and a neutral place will be set up for the return of items and left there for pick up, so that I do not have to interact with him.

The other day, I was walking around my neighborhood and saw the X’s bike.  It was kind of surprising, but at the same time, typical.  Of course.  While we were together, he complained endlessly about how he hated this area, hated NYC, hate, hate, hate and how he wanted to leave to move back to SF.  Now, that we are no longer together, he may be living only a few blocks away.  Inconsistent behavior and actions that are never congruent with his words.  That was the vein that pulsed throughout most of my relationship with X.  Disengagement is difficult, but necessary.

In the last two weeks, I have had two dreams that have signaled to me, that deep down I am really letting go.  In one, I was slowly starting to get sucked into his entangled ways, and even in the dream, I began to feel the anxiety and nausea that plagued me for most of the relationship.  I basically broke up with him, again in the dream.

In the second one, he was around me with a group of friends.  We were all sitting at a table together – he was on one side and I was directly facing him, we were at opposite heads of the table.  I was mentioning how I had finally received my Spanish dual citizenship, and he looked at me, with this expression on his face.  In real life, X was always pestering me about this, but because he thought that somehow it would benefit him – that by being married to me, he would also be eligible for Spanish citizenship.  Even though I often explained to him that was not how it worked, and that this was a long, annoying and bureaucratic process, he would go into these semi-tirades about how I should just get a lawyer and be done with it (nonsense) and that I was taking my sweet time with all of the paperwork when I knew this was something that was very important to him.  I was sort of amused – I told him, “this is not about you!”  In the dream, I felt that same sort of energy, and thought – “I need to make sure that I get away from him. He just wants to use me.”

Sometimes your dreams do bring you “reason” and not monsters.

Raise High the Roof Beam Carpenters

9 Jun

A few nights ago, I pulled out my tattered copy of JD Salinger’s novel.  Earlier that day, I received an email from the X saying, once again that he would respect my request for no further contact, but that, once again, he really wanted to know exactly what led me to making the decision to end the relationship.

Enough.  I am disengaging from this whole process.  X  has to figure it out all on his own.  We all do.  No matter the content of  Seymour’s diaries or letters, or his many conversations with Muriel (his wife) or family members (Buddy, Boo-Boo, Franny, etc), we cannot truly understand his motives, or disenchantment.

All we can do for ourselves is raise high the roof beams, and walk as tall as we can through the doorways presented in life.

I wish X all the best.  I am a raising-high-roof-beams carpenter, with every one of my steps forward.

Dedicated to JD Salinger. Rest in peace.

Ex-mail

1 Jun

Over the weekend, I received an email from my ex.  Similar to the letter I recently received from him, the tone alternated between sincerely graceful and appreciative, and manipulative and condescending.  Reading the email brought instant tears to my eyes, and yet, it also left a cold, slightly nauseous feeling in my stomach.  It was a feeling I often felt while I was in the relationship. 

According to my ex, he has made vast improvements in his life-style, and is really taking care of his mental health.  I am so proud of him, and I am truly glad that he is doing this courageous work.  But I do not want to be involved anymore, and I am also highly doubtful that deep, lasting change can occur so rapidly (two months). 

In the email, he asks for some of the things he left behind – business cards to be exact.  I kind of just want to send his stuff in the mail – and prefer not to have any contact with him.  I worked so hard during the relationship, and now that it is over, I am just exhausted and do not want to put in any effort other than what it takes to heal myself, and deal with my own grief.  And I feel like he is baiting me to attend to his needs all over again, and using the fact that I ended the relationship as a way of guilt-tripping me into communication , and I am just not comfortable with communicating with him yet (if ever again).  How should I handle this?  Any thoughts?