Warning Signs

28 May

I recently read that when someone new seems “familiar” this may be a sign that things are amiss.  Particularly with intimate relationships – you may be replaying the same dynamic over and over again with a succession of persons each time hoping for a different outcome without even knowing it.

In the past, if a guy that I met seemed “familiar” – it instantly put me at ease, and I would pretty much automatically fall for him (at least to some degree).  I never stopped to question, “what feels familiar?  Is it something good?  Something unnerving?”

Having grown up in a home where lots was left unsaid – I learned to use perception and instinct to pick up on unspoken communication.  This does not necessarily translate well into the dating arena – as you can’t really apply the “communication or lack-there-of” skills you learned over the course of a lifetime to someone you just met.  What I mean to say is that just because someone feels familiar it does not mean that they are somehow right for you.  In fact, quite the opposite.

This is a theory that I am still developing, so my apologies if it is still messy.  I have reviewed in my mind some of the men that I have been involved with in the past few years and am thinking about the ones that felt familiar.

There was H – he felt “familiar”.  Like someone I could have gone to high-school with.  And that made me feel instantly comfy, cozy, and altogether unnecessarily vulnerable and available to him.  Now I look at it and think – “yeah, someone who makes me feel like I did when I was a teenager – over 20 years ago!!! – may not be a good match for me as an adult woman.”  When I met X, he reminded me of a good friend from college, someone who I no longer was really friends with because we grew apart, and in all honesty, he was just a very tough nut to crack.  I could never really get close to him, there was always a barrier.  But I have always been quite fond of that friend, and so – upon meeting X and feeling that familiarity – I almost instantaneously transferred the fondness without stopping to think – “Hmm. Reminds me of someone I know who is complicated, that I could never really become intimate with, and is slightly selfish and self-involved.”

Catch my drift?  A feeling of familiarity does not necessarily signify a green-light to become involved.

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