this is a test – take two

25 May

I read over my very first blog post.  Less than two weeks away from ending the relationship,  I was still so caught up in thinking that the problem was me, that I was at fault somehow.  I guess I was invested in that logic because it allowed me to avoid facing the real issue.  In a way, I was hoping it could turn around. 

I have never had a truly unhealthy relationship before.  Catty and petty, sure.  Dysfunctional, absolutely.  Toxic, nope.   I hope to have learned (and continue learning) from the lessons provided to me by this experience, because I NEVER want to have it again.  This was  not about control.  I was just absolutely, miserably, unhappy in my relationship – not because I missed being single, or because I was fearful of losing my identity and comfort in the “known”.  I was purely and simply longing for sanity and peace, nothing more than that.  You cannot control someone else’s emotional upheavals by creating some for yourself!  What was I thinking?   

I will never again question my own mental health, physical health, or sense of well-being for anyone else, ever again.  I am not damaged, unhealthy, or a control freak.  I am not fearful of love, or of being in a true partnership.  I am not even fearful of my own past episodes of anxiety/depression anymore.  That is one of the many things I can thank my X for, actually.  If anxiety and depression come knocking again, for whatever reason, I know I will be ok with two solid feet on the ground.  No more walking on pins, needles, hot coals, or eggshells, or making a bed out of rusty nails for me!


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