Sage advice

25 May

The last couple of days have been pretty brutal.  I feel dead inside, if you all want to know the truth.  I spent most of yesterday smoking cigarettes and feeling – nothing.  I think that is the problem.  By smoking, I do not allow myself to feel anything, or remember anything, really.  It is a distraction.  Is feeling nothing one of the stages in grieving?

Speaking of distractions, that is exactly what I thought I wanted with my crush. But I realize it is just a game I am playing with myself.  I do not want a rebound, or to be a rebound, or to be distracted.  I want to FEEL.  Because I miss X dearly, I will always love him dearly, I am still very very sad, and very very scared about my future.  I am afraid of winding up all alone at an old age – never having had true, warm, healthy, fulfilling, love.

This morning, I put out my last cigarette and said goodbye. I let X go, I let cigarettes go, I forgive X, and forgive myself for all the times I was hurt regardless of intention.  I apologized to him, to me, and to our dream future family that will never be.

I know what I need to do.  Stop smoking.  Burn sage all over this apartment. Move furniture. Repaint walls.  Repeat as necessary.

This is my new mantra.  Be good to yourself.  Don’t play games. Pay homage.

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