20 May

Talking does not equal communication.  Especially when the talking mostly revolves around the subject of oneself. In the recent letter that I received from X, he questions why we, such “great communicators” could not work out our issues, leading me to make the decision to end it.  Or as he sees it – burning the whole house down while trying to light a fire under his ass.

Well, the thing is that my X was a great TALKER.  But not a good communicator.  He rarely remembered the things that I would say to him, about how I was feeling, about how I was unhappy, about how I was worried about him, how I was worried about me.  And then, when I would finally burst and explode because I couldn’t take it anymore, he would actually look bewildered, like “where is all this coming from?”  The thing is, I actually believe he could not remember the things that I was trying so desperately to communicate with him, because he was so self-involved that when he was not talking about himself, and his business deals and plans, he was turning them over and over in his brain, and smoldering in anger and bitterness because things were not going his way, and he felt quite entitled to have things pay off for him. So sad.

In his letter he was very gracious, and thanked me for all these wonderful things, but then, he went into how he just did not understand. I know he does not.  That’s why I know deep down, even when I am missing him terribly, that I did the right thing.

I just do not know if I should contact him, write him a letter in return, or what…I mean this is the man I was going to marry and start a family with, and now I am cutting him out COMPLETELY from my life, even though he is living maybe 20 minutes away from the apartment we shared.  Again, it is like a death, the absence of the person.  But I am the killer.  How depressing.

Thankfully, today is Thursday and I am meeting a friend after work for a drink, and tomorrow is Friday and I get to celebrate the end of my semester and the beginning of a new chapter in the life of ME with my lovely, fabulous friends that ARE great communicators, often remember the things that I say because they actually LISTEN, and often remind me of harmful things that I do not want to evaluate closely because I cannot deal at times.


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