Archive | April, 2010

Sandra is my heroine

28 Apr

Sandra Bullock rules!  I dedicate this song by Soha to her and her beautiful baby boy.

Mil Pasos (Soha) :
Un paso me voy para siempre
Un paso fuerte
Un paso hacia adelante

Dos pasos, me voy sin mirarte
Tan lejos pisé
Dos pasos ya te olvidé

Tres pasos ya soy hacia al este,
El sur, el oeste
Tres pasos creo mucho, me parece

* Refrain *:
¿ Y cuándo volverás?
Je ne reviendrai pas
¿ Cuándo volverás?
Je suis si loin déjà
¿ Y cuándo volverás ?
Un dia o jamás

¿ Y cuándo volverás ?
J’ai fait le premier pas
¿ Cuando volverás ?
Surtout ne m’attends pas
¿ Cuándo volverás ?
Un día o jamás

Quatro pasos quiero acordarme
Quatro pasos ya sé
Tu me quisiste, yo te quise

Cinco pasos ya sin perderme
Tanto me alejé
Cinco pasos y te perdoné

Seis pasos ya, son casi siete
Contar más no sé
Mil pasos y más, me quedo de pie …

* Refrain *:
¿ Y cuándo volverás?
Je ne reviendrai pas
¿ Cuándo volverás?
Je suis si loin déjà
¿ Y cuándo volverás ?
Un dia o jamás

¿ Y cuándo volverás ?
Surtout ne m’attends pas
¿ Cuando volverás ?
j’ai fait le 1er pas
¿ Cuando volverás ?
Un día o jamás

Un paso, dos pasos, tres pasos, cuatro pasos, cinco pasos…
Mil pasos …

* Refrain *

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Deserve

28 Apr

I deserve to have a relationship that is healthy – one where I am unbelievably happy to be with my partner, and he is happy with me, despite the trials and tribulations inherent in life.  I deserve to be giddily joyful with him, feel safety and security and stability with him.  I deserve to be properly proposed to, and happily anticipate our marriage.  I deserve to be elated to find out that I am pregnant, and have a partner that is ecstatic to start a family with me.  Not just in words, but in his actions and behaviors.  In our souls and the cores of our beings, we are HAPPY.  I deserve to be with someone who is as considerate and kind and gentle and appreciative as I am.

Last night

27 Apr

I am happy to report that my first night back in my apartment was relatively easy, and I was able to sleep in my own bedroom, and rest.  I know that this may not always be the case, but I was so anxious yesterday.  I am committed to reclaiming my space, and my life, including sticking to my quit date of May 1st.   The funny thing is that what makes me most anxious about quitting is not the actual quitting, and I do not really get cravings per say.  It is that I fear not being able to resist when I have dark thoughts about the relationship and my future.  But then again, if I feared not being able to face those fears “alone” I could have easily then turned to staying in the relationship, as opposed to turning to smoking.  And both are equally as unhealthy and toxic.  So as I did with my relationship, I will finally do with smoking, and take that plunge.

Wish me luck and much strength and perseverance!

Quitting Smoking

26 Apr

I do not think this is the best week for me to quit.  My quit date is May 1st.  Out with ALL the toxic relationships in my life.

Whoever out there is reading.  Keep me to my decision to quit.

Angst

26 Apr

It has been almost a month since I ended my relationship with my fiance.  Although I still miss him, I am now going through this terrifying process where I am slowly recognizing just how toxic and negative the relationship actually was.  It is causing me much anxiety, as I face just how far I let myself go.  I have yet to truly feel relief from the fact that I walked away.  Instead, I feel riddled with anxiety that I was so close to an abyss.

I know it does not help much that I am also moving back to my flat – we shared it for about 10 months, but he has moved out.  And that I am trying to (re)quit smoking – an unhealthy behavior that I relapsed back into as a coping mechanism to dealing with an unhealthy relationship.  Plus, it is a rainy, gross and cold Monday morning.

But I am also aware that this all will take time, and that I cannot jump over any hurdles to avoid these unpleasant feelings and sensations.  It sucks.

I came across something I wrote a few years ago…

13 Apr

Pandora’s Box: The online dating adventures of goyagrrl

 I should preface this – I am a late bloomer.  I am 35 now, but am secretly about 15 or 16 – all geeky, gawky, and flustered.  However, this is far from my outward appearance. I mean on the outside (I guess my alter ego) I have somehow managed to pull it together.  I no longer wear strange, slightly unwell-fitting clothes that I think are:

  1. “dope”
  2. “sick,”
  3. “peppermintphatty-fresh”
  4. convey the sense that I want to kick down some doors and slam the system (i.e. combat boots, although I still do have a penchant for high boots, and the boys do not seem to generally mind).

 

My hair is now a respectable length, often brushed and/or combed.  My clothes no longer use safety pins in place of missing buttons.  No visible hems dragging or threads fraying.  I am usually now the first owner of the article of clothing that I am wearing.  I no longer have any visible piercings other than the ones on my ear lobes (now only one each).

 

And aside from the fact that my “blooming” commenced a bit later than most of my peers, I can safely say that I have made up for lost time, and even probably have surpassed most of them in the “experiences” department.  This is not necessarily something that I am proud of, or believe to be cause for the tooting of one’s own horn.

 

Regardless, I have never really “dated’’ before.  Sure, I have had boyfriends and relationships.  I have had flings.  I have had one-night stands and a few-nights stands.  I even had a brief engagement.  I have been dumped, and have done the dumping, gotten broken-hearted and broken a number along the way.  I have done my fair share of taking another’s feelings absolutely not into account.

 

But I have never really “dated”.  I usually knew guys from school or via other friends.  I had some sort of context to place them in.   But before I knew it, all those taken-for-granted venues that one so often meets someone to smooch with on a regular basis quickly dried up.  I was no longer in school (well actually, I was – but as a graduate student that is at least 10 years older than most of your cohort members, and when most of your class mates are also heterosexual females, well….let’s just say I did not have many distractions in class).  I had met (and unfortunately, slept with a few too many of) the friends of friends over the years.  My days (or better said, nights) of dancing all night at bars and drunkenly smooching were over – thankfully.  So, where is a reformed single viva-la-vida gal to meet a decent soul?

 

I decided to give the online thing a try.  I mean, it was 2006. The whole Internet dating phenomenon had reached its pinnacle.  I looked on Nerve’s web-site.  I could not believe all these cute boys were looking to be in relationships!  They probably are just like me, I thought…too tired to be hitting up bars in order to meet someone (I go to bars to hang out with friends and catch up.  I want to talk to them, not some random, foolish strangers trying out pointers learned from “The Game”!)  Even though I still thought the whole thing was kind of freaky and a bit forced and unnatural.  I must admit, though, that I found the concept of the Internet as a dating tool slightly fascinating.  I decided to approach it with an anthropologist’s mind. I figured – what did I have to lose?  I mean my recent history within the last 2 years was not at all promising. I had gotten out of a relationship with a man that I had started re-dating four years after breaking up (a man that I had known and carried an off-and-on torch for since college…starting in 1990!) and had spent the better part of the following year having sex every few months with a guy living in LA.  LA is very far from Brooklyn.

 

Clearly, I needed to change things up a bit if I had any hopes of becoming a happily partnered person (HPP). 

 

Thus, I began my courageous, death-defying (ok, maybe not death defying…dignity defying?  Rejection-facingifying?)  all-around zany adventures in online dating.  It began relatively well… I was still in graduate school at the time, so I was pretty busy and the maintenance aspect of online dating did not consume much of my mental energy.  I went out on a few dates with lovely people that I had no chemistry with.  It was flattering, as I always got a call afterwards asking me if I would like to hang out again.  And then I met someone that I actually did want to hang out with again.  And we did. And before I knew it – we were “dating”.

 

It did not last very long – a few months.  Until we found ourselves discussing the merits of having children while in bed on a hazy, humid, hung-over Saturday morning.  Mind you, I did not want to have this conversation so early in what I still felt was not a relationship.  But I guess he did, and it ended. 

 

And the summer months continued.  Again, I went on a few other dates. Again, all lovely people – but this time, things got a little hairy.  Like the date I had with a guy that point blank asked me if I was okay with “smokables” during our email correspondence.  This guy also sweetly and endearingly whispered “I just want to f**k you right” during our good night (and gooood bye….) kiss. 

 

And I am pretty sure because I did not go home with him he sent me an email the very next day saying he had a “great time” and wanted to do it again “real soon”.  I sent a vague response and left it at that.  I mean, really – why would anyone think this is the thing to say to impress someone on a first date?  I digress.  This dude was actually not evil incarnate. Just a bit goofy, a little too hipper-than-thou, and horny. 

 

The summer’s end was fast approaching.  I am about to start a new job, and finish up my thesis – a long, arduous and extremely stressful process that had been plaguing me for months.  Then one day, I get that ever exciting, slight stomach flutter inducing personals.nerve@fastcupid.com email in my inbox.  Someone new has sent me a message.

 

 

We are living in a mercurial world, and I am a mercurial girl.

 

I recently heard two things that have resonated with me.  Both wisdoms imparted by my dear friend MM –

1)       If you focus on only the things you do not have, you run the risk of losing the wonderful things you already have.

2)       Everything has meaning.  We are just too stupid to know what the meaning is.

My, how times have changed – how I have changed.

Dis-belief

12 Apr

I cannot yet comprehend that I have ended my relationship with someone that I love and care for so much.  This person will never be in my life again, and this makes me extremely sad.  I am grieving.